Urine Trouble Now
- Brandon
- Jun 23, 2019
- 3 min read
I am no germaphobe. I wash my hands regularly, but not obsessively so. Sometimes, I’ll even start eating a meal without washing my hands, but for the first 5 minutes I think about how gross that is, until I get distracted by something major, like a rock outside that looks like a rabbit or how my daughter swears she wants broccoli but not THAT broccoli, the OTHER BROCCOLI, that we don’t have or possibly doesn’t exist.
I’m not really a neat person. I can keep an area tidy for a day or two, but then it becomes annoying to keep things straight, and so I just have papers and pens and empty coffee cups just everywhere.
I’m aware that you’re not particularly interested in my personal hygiene or neatness, because I’m sure not interested in yours. But I say all that to bring up this point…
Dudes - what is up with the toilet seat?
My son makes a game out of not hitting the middle of the toilet bowl when he’s making water (or at least that’s how it appears at times). He’s also 9 and unconcerned with things like how it’s irritating to clean toilet the seat all the time. Because he’s 9. But you, my dudes, are likely older - sometimes much older - than 9. And yet you still leave the seat looking like the Grand Champion of Urinepalooza. Why?
Are you drunk? I hope not, because this happens all over the place: restaurants, Target, certainly at Walmart, even at church. What is so pressing that you can’t be bothered to lift up the seat? You weren’t raised with any women in the house, I can tell you that much. I imagine you were raised in some Lord of the Flies style farm, where there were no women present to shriek at you to clean the pee off the seat or so help me you’re going to be squatting to pee the rest of your life. And so you just went on your merry way, piddling hither and yon like an untrained puppy.
I would say that it’s inconsiderate of your fellow dudes, dudes that have been shopping with the family all day, and ate too much teriyaki chicken, and now suddenly has a Brown trying a Quarterback Sneak (if you know what I mean) while at JC Penny or Toys R Us (RIP) or Aldi, so now he’s waddling toward that blessed haven of silence and sweet relief, only to encounter a throne with droplets of gold adorning the seat. But I don’t think you’re thinking. You’re just… going. Everywhere. And so Dude Who Has To Go now has to use the inefficient 1/2 ply toilet paper to wipe down the seat or make an impenetrable (ha!) TP shield on the seat so that he doesn’t suffer the utter disgusting humiliation of public pooping AND sitting in your inconsiderate pee pee.
All because you couldn’t take a half-second to flip up the seat.
I’m not one for government intervention, but if Donald Trump wants to be really remembered fondly, he’d put a stop to this barbaric practice. How would it work? I’m glad you asked…
BRANDON’S GUIDE TO STOPPING DUDES FROM PEEING ON THE SEAT AND LEAVING IT THERE LIKE SOME SORT OF GODLESS COMMUNIST
Place signs around the toilets of America encouraging men to please put the seat up for the love of God if they have to squeeze the lemon.
Install security cameras in toilet stalls to insure compliance with number 1 (womp womp).
Settle lawsuits claiming that number 2 (lol) is an invasion of privacy. Yeah, probably “technically” it is, but have you sat in pee before? I rest my case.
Install mechanical compliance devices that will punish those that violate the new Please For the Love of All That Is Holy Wipe The Seat Act. These devices would sense the presence of trace amounts of urine on the toilet seat, and if activated, would vaporize the offender instantaneously. Just like Thanos’ snap, but more permanent.
This procedure, I think, would help curb the epidemic that is Pee Pee Seat syndrome, a scourge on our country’s otherwise blemish-free face. At the very least, those offenders would be whittled down quickly, leaving our toilet seats pristine and pee free.
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