Reflections of the Broken - August 2022

|| Taken from an undated entry in my journal in August 2022. Again, this was reality as I saw it in that moment. I think it’s illustrative of how grief, pain, depression, and anxiety can cloud one’s view. ||

It’s been nearly a year since my life crumbled. I feel more “intact” most days, but not at all “put together.” Every morning, the temptation to just roll back over and return to sleep is overwhelming. In sleep, in the darkness of unconsciousness, there is no pull on my guts, no stab of dread at the center of my brain.

I’ve lost so much, and I feel I will lose even more.

How do I fight back? Is it even possible?

I’ve been bled dry. I am empty. Hollow. Withered. Foul. Exhausted.

I don’t even know if I can carry on.

I’ve had to rely on the kindness of friends and family so much - I don’t know that I could even have done things differently - I’m certain I have become a burden. I don’t want to be. I hate it. But what else can I do? Unemployment Insurance has denied me for reasons I can’t understand. I’ve applied for more jobs, and filled out more applications than I can even remember. The story is the same, always: overqualified, or not enough experience. I’ve tried. I’ve prayed. I’ve hoped. I’ve proclaimed. It just won’t get better.

Would it be better if I just disappeared? Dead. Gone. The kids would be taken care of. I’m completely useless as it is, anyway. I’m not good for anyone. Some would be sad; They’d move on. A whisper on their lips. Another sad story to tell, then get back to normal life. Whatever good I’ve brought to others has been in spite of me. Otherwise, I’m a burden - financial, emotional, physical.

It’s my fault. All of it. I could have been better. A better husband. A better father. A better man. Depression be damned. I’m a sin-eater, giving absolution and taking on the grief so others might live. I’m not Jesus. This isn’t noble… look where it’s gotten me. In the gutter. Trampled. Swollen.

I’m being smothered.