Reflections of the Broken - 05.16.2022

|| Written May 16, 2022 ||

Another day. Nothing accomplished.

I think it’s safe to say that I am undone. There is only noise inside. My fingers and nerves feel electric - overstimulated? Oversaturated? Everything inside just feels muddled.

And it’s hard for me to imagine that anyone cares. I’m adrift. A commodity. Lost, except for what I can provide for others.

What is my identity? Who am I? What do I want? What do I even like? What, if anything, is positive about me? What do I offer? These are questions that chase each other through my mind, day and night. All the things I thought I was, or wanted, or offered have fallen away.

All I’m left with are dry bones.

And there is no prophet declaring over me to rise, to stand and reform muscles, tendon, and skin.

I don’t know how to trust, because I don’t see any fruit from it.

God.

I am so pathetic.

Where is my resurrection? When do I get to rise? I can’t even lift my head to see the horizon.

There’s no one here to hold me. There’s no one here to comfort me. Only, “It’ll get better,” or “you should…”

Why did it all fall so far?

Whatever self esteem I had is dead.

Just like me.

***

I don’t want to die. But I’m having a hard time seeing how things will be worse off if I was gone. What has happened to me? All my days are dark and cloudy. There’s no sun to be found.

If I were gone, there’d just be one less broken soul in the world. What do I bring to the world? I don’t see it.

I sacrificed myself - subjected my dreams and desires so much that I don’t even remember what they are, or ever were. And in the end, everything crashed around me, and I’m left without peace or comfort.

Help me.

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#ReflectionsontheBroken #Divorce #Grief #Trauma #healing